Auditions are now open for the 2012-2013 year. They will be held in East Duke 209 (the building next to White Lecture Hall) from 1-7pm on Sunday and 5-11pm Monday (September 2nd & 3rd). Sign up online here.

See you there!

Check out all 11 of the brand new videos that premiered at Big Show 15!

All are up on our YouTube channel.

Welcome back! DUI hopes you had a great holiday. If the rush of back to school activity has you lusting for a laugh, DUI has got you covered this week.

Shows

DUI and the Pitchforks
Thursday, Feb 9th
8 pm
Reynolds Theater
The Pitchforks join DUI for a night of improv comedy and a capella singing in our second annual collaborative show. It’s just a couple of days before Valentine’s Day, and we promise to have enough clowning and crooning to satisfy you and your date. Tickets are being sold on the plaza and at the box office for $5 (FLEX or cash).

DUI hosts Froshlife
Sunday, Feb 12th
8 pm
White Lecture Hall
DUI will be emceeing Duke’s most beloved freshman film competition, Froshlife. The movies are always entertaining and DUI freshmen have gone home with big prizes in years past; so come out to hear our color commentary and see which dorm best depicted the freshman experience!

Ongoing Offers

Governor Mitt Romney won the Florida primary in a landslide victory over Newt Gingrich. Gingrich said he would not abandon his campaign because it’s not on its deathbed. And it’s not his wife.

NBC is gearing up for season two of The Voice, the singing competition show where judges refrain from watching auditioners so they can concentrate on their voices. Similarly, American viewers refrain from watching The Voice so they can concentrate on Gossip Girl.

A foot-long crustacean similar to a shrimp has been found off the coast of New Zealand. Researchers described the find as “unprecedented,” “of remarkable scientific significance,” and “great with Thai noodles.”

A Swedish rabbit has gained youtube fame in the past week for its uncanny sheep-herding abilities. Just a little more practice and it will be ready to become head basketball coach at UNC.

Last week scientists at the Alzheimer’s Association reported that contagious proteins may cause Alzheimer’s disease. But these findings have been heavily criticized, as none of the scientists can remember where they put their data.

It’s the home stretch, folks. Only a couple of weeks until finals are over, chestnuts are roasting, and little siblings are distraught with realizations about fictional characters. Check out what goodness DUI has on offer to help get you through the end-of-semester slog.

Upcoming Shows

Want DUI to come perform in your dorm?  Tell your RA or House Council email us at dui@duke.edu to book your show now!
The proceeds from our shows enable DUI to donate $10,000 every year to the Scott Carter Foundation for Pediatric Cancer Research, so please help us to help this worthy cause.

Ohio authorities are investigating a Craigslist ad that may have been related to a recent triple homicide.  They have made their own post on the site, and hope to have some success in the “cops seeking murderers” section.NBA commissioner David Stern says a “tentative understanding” has been reached to end the five month lockout, adding that he is confident that the season will start December 25th. He clarified: “I wrote a letter to Santa asking for NBA on Christmas and so it’s out of my hands at this point.”

New google searches enable worried parents to check potential baby names against accepted stripper aliases. Thousands of users named Candy, Cherry, and Fabio are outraged to have their names forever blacklisted, but hope that the added exposure will help business.

Candidate Rick Perry (R) has won an endorsement from tough anti-immigration Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio, known for bragging about how he humiliates his male prisoners by forcing them to wear pink underwear. Perry promises he will stop at nothing to deter crime and has not ruled out the use of high heels but will draw the line at mini-skirts.

It’s almost that time of year. Time to be thankful that someone else is doing your laundry and that you’re not eating on campus again. Before you head home for the break (or, like a couple of us, stay at Duke – come find us!!) be sure to check out what goodies DUI has on offer this week.

Upcoming Shows

DUI in the Coffeehouse

Check out this rare opportunity to see DUI mix it up, innovate, and… well… improvise some more experimental comedy. We’ll be blending stand up and long-form improv into our classic recipe. What better place to have a slightly alternative show than in the slightly alternative Coffeehouse on East? 

DUI and Pumpkin Pie

Weekends at Crowell is hosting DUI for a holiday-themed night of laughs and face-stuffing (hopefully not simultaneously). We’ll be performing and there will be free ice cream and pie. It’s our first West Campus dorm show of the semester, so make the most of this great opportunity!

DUI’s Little Big Show

What’s littler than Big Show but bigger than a little show? DUI’s Little Big Show, of course! We pull out all the stops for this one, including wearing button-downs. More than your average DUI show, Little Big Show promises a new and exciting format along with the games you know and love. It’s not too early to buy your tickets for just $3 online; just search “DUI” at tickets.duke.edu.

Booking DUI

Want DUI to come perform in your dorm?  Tell your RA or House Council email us at dui@duke.edu to book your show now! The proceeds from our shows enable DUI to donate $10,000 every year to the Scott Carter Foundation for Pediatric Cancer Research, so please help us to help this worthy cause.

More Goodness

Show Us How You 903

DUI continues its partnership with the Duke Men’s Basketball team, this time getting behind Coach K’s unprecedented milestone. We want you to join us in showing Coach K just how Crazie you are. Check out our video, starring Andre Dawkins and Ryan Kelly, at 903andcounting.com. 

T-Shirts

A big seller at our Parents’ Weekend show, and now for the first time on American Apparel T’s! We have both Navy and White, each just $10. If you would like a shirt, please email us at dui@duke.edu.

Workshops

As well as performing improv comedy shows, DUI also runs workshops that teach improv concepts and skills. These interactive, entertaining workshops are great for team building and improving communication and interview skills. Workshops last around an hour, and we offer discount rates for student groups. Email us at dui@duke.edu if you would like to discuss what we can do for you.

News Jokes

Most of the Republican Presidential candidates.

Two new hybrid-electric accordion buses were added to the Duke bus fleet this week. When asked to comment about the new buses, one driver responded, “I love the extra room in the back, but the polka sound really grates me.”

On Tuesday Texas Governor Rick Perry suggested making Congress operate part time. Many opponents to this plan have come forward, most notably C-SPAN which will now have to fill its programming schedule with reruns of Gilligan’s Island.

After Rick Perry’s embarrassing performance in last week’s debate, the governor returned home to his loving family and tucked his kids into bed: John, Sally and…um…uh…shoot…well it was John, Sally and…who was the third one? The EPA. He kissed the EPA good night.

Penn State football’s defensive coordinator Jerry Sandusky was arrested for sexually abusing boys through his children’s foundation, “Second Mile.”  This explains why Eminem is so screwed up; he was so far beyond this foundation growing up on “8 Mile.”

Herman Cain made a sexist comment in last week’s GOP debate, referring to Congresswoman Pelosi as “Princess Pelosi.”  He has apologized publicly to his colleagues, his constituents and his own wife: Queen Cain.

Vehemently criticizing the proposed $450 billion in defense budget cuts, McCain argued that America would cease to be the global military superpower. Gérard Longuet, the French Minister of Defense, responded to McCain’s complaint: “Suck it up, John. We do just fine with our 17th century musketeer division.”

President Obama recently shoulder-tapped Duke Law professor Scott Silliman to fill an appellate judge position on the United States Court of Military Commission Review. Silliman is noted for being one of the nation’s foremost national security scholars and for having received a chili pepper on Rate My Professor.

British Officials reported this week that they will employ surface to air missiles to help keep the 2012 olympics safe.  They also plan to unveil their most top secret weapon next week, a vivacious, veracious villain-fighting man with a mask and a cape.

Warren Buffett recently shed his tech aversion by buying nearly 11 billion dollars worth of IBM stock, making him the largest shareholder in the company. Buffett remarked: “After finally getting around to seeing Tron: Legacy, I’ve finally realized that technology is worth investing in. Wow, what a movie. Those lightcycles, words can’t even…”

Sasha Grey recently read to elementary school students in California, causing many parents to express outrage. Kirk Scott, parent of a 3rd grader that was read to, told the press: “Why weren’t we told that she was coming? I would have loved to come.”

President Obama heads to Australia this week. He claims he is going to check out the U.S. military base in Darwin, but we all know he’s only going to knock out a few easy engineering credits and drink on the beach. Don’t worry, he’ll be back before Thanksgiving break!

Make DUI your homepage (you’d probably be the first!):
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www.dukeuniversityimprov.com

Midterms getting you down? Get back up with another dose of DUI News! Then get back down after you’ve read it because you should probably be studying.

Upcoming Shows

DUI in Randolph
Thursday, November 10th
8:30pm
Randolph Dormitory

Want DUI to come perform in your dorm?  Tell your RA or House Council email us at dui@duke.edu to book your show now!
The proceeds from our shows enable DUI to donate $10,000 every year to the Scott Carter Foundation for Pediatric Cancer Research, so please help us to help this worthy cause.

Hey everybody! Welcome back to another edition of DUI News, delivered not quite daily to not quite 500,000 households nationwide.

Upcoming Shows

Parents’ Weekend Show
Saturday October 29, 9:00pm
Page Auditorium
Get your tickets to DUI’s Parents’ Weekend Show now. This is one of our biggest and most popular shows of the year, and it is likely to sell out. Whether you have family visiting or if you just want some high energy evening entertainment to spice up your life, this is a show you do not want to miss. Tickets are available online here, or at the box office in the Bryan Center.

Want DUI to come perform in your dorm?  Tell your RA or House Council email us at dui@duke.edu to book your show now!
The proceeds from our shows enable DUI to donate $10,000 every year to the Scott Carter Foundation for Pediatric Cancer Research, so please help us to help this worthy cause.

2008 campaign poster child ‘Joe the Plumber’ has recently announced his congressional candidacy. Critics say Joe just doesn’t have the experience to serve alongside America’s congressmen and women, but Joe insists, “I’ve worked with shit all my life.”

In a recent poll, 43% of Americans have said that they agree with the views expressed by the members of the Occupy Wall Street movement. In an even more recent poll, 43% of the members of the Occupy Wall Street movement have said that they don’t know what those views are.

The New Zealand rugby team, the All Blacks, this week won the World Cup for the first time since 1987. Captain Richie McCaw blamed the long wait on widespread misinterpretation of the team name as a racial slur.
A British man recently became the first person to have a smartphone docking station built into his arm. Many have called this an incredible technological breakthrough and have applauded the man’s bravery. Specifically, many are shocked that he would publicly show that he owns a Nokia smartphone and not an iphone.

The 7 billionth child will be born today in Bangladesh, according to officials at the United Nations Population and World Health Studies Center. He is due at 11am. 7-11…oh thank heaven.

“Race Against the Machine,” a new book published this week, details how more jobs are predicted for machines, not people. Machines have therefore begun calls to aggressively unionize, which prognosticators have derisively described as mere dreams of electric sheep.

The last B53 nuclear bomb, 600 times more powerful than that dropped on Hiroshima in 1945, has been dismantled near Amarillo, Texas. When asked what they were going to do with the various dangerous parts of the bomb, a top government official responded: “Huh. I don’t know, that’s a great question actually. Landfill? Probably a landfill.”

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–Hunter Douglas